Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
this will hang in the louvre one day