Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
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Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
🙂🐾
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now