Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
me as a parent
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.