Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
had to share :’)
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D