Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My dog learned how to text
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.