Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
You Might Also Like
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Do not levitate over flowers
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes