“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan