“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*limbos away from your hug*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
October already? What’s next? November????
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m too immature for adultery.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help