“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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e
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*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”