“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
buying dead houseplants to save time
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Why font matters.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario