@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

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@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.

@GroovyTasia

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.

@fro_vo

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@J_Illunninati

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.