“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.


Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.


*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice


Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.


Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word


I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.


If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.