*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.
He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.