Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Dang I just got a raise
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.