@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

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@HatfieldAnne

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@Mothpete

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@hunz74

Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.

@newLettuce

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@MsGreenGoddess

If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.