Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Frankenstein?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
(True)
Twitter is an abusement park.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Hear me out: WrestleVania
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally