Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I have two kinds of followers
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
me and my fake scenarios
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while