Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.