BRO LMFAO
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.