BRO LMFAO
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.