BRO LMFAO
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
first you must answer his riddles
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve