bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.