Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

that de-escalated quickly

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back