Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that