Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
You Might Also Like
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.