bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*