bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I cannot stop laughing at this
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours