Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Driving in Europe vs Canada
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.