Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
🎵 I can’t wait to
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae