Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
He’s cranky this morning
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
It’s on my to-do list.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap