Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood