Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
You Might Also Like
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.