Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Happy thanksgiving!
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes