Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
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I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.