Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

the greatest twitter interaction

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.