Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground