Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

scared to check what name she chose

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.