Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)