Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough