Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Simple enough.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.