Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
