Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
🖕🏻👽
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Would you wear it?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss