Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

Only a mother’s love …

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised