My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
G: Fire’s running low.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!
~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…