bro what is going on at twitter
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Breaking news:
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
my retirement plan is braless
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.