bro what is going on at twitter
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
This seems like peak sibling energy
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.