Bro what is this
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Finally! 😈
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM