“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Fiction has to make sense.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.