Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Best table by far

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.