Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Miscakes

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?