“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
You Might Also Like
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me