Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

😂

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.