bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
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woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.