bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*