Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?