Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
for all #parents out there
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal