Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Awesome parenting 😂
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
✌🏽
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
