Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

time machine? you mean a clock?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that