Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
relationship goals
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Boating season is upon us.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz