Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
You Might Also Like
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Feels like the fourth month in January
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
the three branches of government
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
A new level of troll.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.