Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.