broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You Might Also Like
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I am having an out of money experience.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry