Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

I am having an out of money experience.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry