broke down and did it
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Thank heavens for community notes
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.