broke down and did it
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.