Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

😂😭

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person