broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am