broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Wednesday
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The best plant holders?
