Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men are simple creatures

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.