Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.