Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger