broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.