Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life