Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Who did it better?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe