Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
This why you should mind your business
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
sweet dreams💖
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.