Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
lol
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.