Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing