Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
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A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.