Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha