Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Growing up was a huge mistake
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine