Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
craving $300 all of a sudden
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.