Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
good let them take over I have had enough
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕