[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
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This checks out
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My five year plan is a meteorite
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My flabber has been gasted.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?