Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

You can throw an axe in any bar if you don’t give a shit

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon