[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
The legends speak of a third Duran…
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN