BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Meowchelangelo
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Strange
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.