BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Follow me for more recipes
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
