Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.