Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ