Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun