Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Perfection.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*